I have a well balanced amount of people in my life that I would like to think understand me and my actions. I'm starting to realize what is important in my life and who isn't. it took a good lashing to let that sink in and completely grasp the concept. it's comforting to tell yourself daily that these people give a fuck, when in all reality will just screw you over when the shit hits the fan. tonight I sat around in my self pity and contemplated what my options were and it dawned on me. It's not a big deal...it never was and I feel at peace. the drive home all I thought about was the conversation I had previous to this live journal self rant. it's the most amazing feeling ever to meet someone who is on the same level as you and can keep you level headed. someone who knows nothing about your past and the bullshit that comes with it. it's a fresh start, a new beginning and a better outlook on life. as cheesy and repeatave as it sounds I'm going to be fine, even if its compromises letting go of what I've built so hard to keep. take it or leave it.
I can't even comprehend how late it is right now and why I still have my work shirt on. My parents should be getting up up to make coffee soon. I smell like cigarettes and Armani code. Hopefully the amounts of perfume will cover up what i've been up to tonight. what the fuck is up with my life choices lately?
I need to start thinking more clearly. I keep thinking about the "what-ifs", who should be blamed, what could be done to fix it. the only reasonable answer I could come up with is to wait. time is the only thing that's going to give me the answer I need;not the one I want. For once in my life i have to stop blaming the world for whats wrong in my life and just go with the flow. Things are going to work out. There is nothing I can do at the moment to fix anything... and frankly i'm just making myself sick with the "what-ifs". in a perfect world I could just forget that I have problems. I could continue telling everyone that I don't care. but the fact of the matter is I care to much and its becoming unbearable to think clearly anymore. I'm not one to talk about my problems I usually just listen to everyone else's. I come up with pretty good advice too, yet I can't listen to my own. I guess you could say I'm pretty hypocritical sometimes. but hey, at least i'm aware if the shit i have to do. some people are clueless. oh fuck me.
you turned into the biggest waste of life in a time span of a month. hanging out with trashy bitches that wear make up up to their eyebrows and pot smoking gutter sluts with nothing higher then a GED.
look at you... social king of 2007. doing anything to please a crowd, even it compromises the real relationships you had around you. you're worthless to me. i'll get over you but you'll spend the rest of your time trying to replace me.
Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this there's a why. Maybe somewhere there's that thing that lets you tie it all up with a neat bow and bury it in the backyard. But nothing, not getting angry, not prayers, and not tears, nothing can make something that happened unhappen
"Give me a sign and let me know we're through, if you don't love me like I love you. But if you cry at night the way I do, I know that somebody's lying"
it's this fucking life. you never know what's going to happen next, see most people don't know how to feel; you've got to know how to read the signs- you have to have the skills to pick apart a another human being before they do it to you first. before they get you when your guard is down. let someone in they always find a way to disappoint you.
my heart just aches. this is and always has been so much bigger than myself. i don't know how to describe the way the weather makes me feel anymore. i see this almost everymoring before i drive to school. the way the ice just sits on my windshield with the foggy view of whats ahead ...i can't help but think about how long it will take for it to melt. i associate the melting ice with the rest of my day. .. the rest of my week... how long is is going to take to get this over with before i have a clear view of whats ahead.
How is it That such long days And such long nights Can comprise a life that goes so fast?
i'm constantly growing. i'm slowly learning that everything happens for a reason and that out of every negative must come a positive. i'm clenching onto my optimism in fear of it being washed away. I stopped smoking. every now and than I'll take a drag at a party but than I reflect on what a disgusting habit I let it become and promise myself not to do it again. i go to the gym with my boss now. that's a story all in itself. my next goal is get my license before i turn 30.
this past month the only thing i remember is going to school and than going to work. i need a break just a day or two to get back on track, get some sleep. i'll take anything at this point. i need to stop eating shitty foods, go on diet and stop smoking. lets see how long this lasts.
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